FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Sarah Hustleworth, Chief Manifesting Officer
January 1, 2025
PARADIGM SHIFT: Company Discovers One Weird Trick to Replace AI with Multi-Level Marketing
SILICON VALLEY, CA — TechnoVision AI, a startup that burned through $2 billion making chatbots sound human, announced they are abandoning AI for the more profitable field of multi-level marketing. The company will now focus on "distributed human intelligence networking," or getting your aunt to invest her retirement savings.
Chad Disrupton, CEO, said, "We spent years trying to create artificial general intelligence until we realized the real AGI was Abundant Girlboss Income." While attempting to recruit journalists, he added, "Our language models couldn't pass the Turing test, but they were effective at generating 'Hey hun!' messages on Facebook."
The company's revolutionary new approach replaces neural networks with "pyramid-shaped success architectures." Their flagship product, #BossBabeGPT, predicts not just text but also which high school classmates are most vulnerable to recruitment messages. Early testing shows it's effective at identifying recently divorced dads and people who post inspirational Minion memes.
In a stunning technological breakthrough, TechnoVision has developed an AI model that can generate believable excuses for why you haven't made any money yet AND reasons to invest more.
Dr. Emma Scamworth, whose new title is "Chief Wellness Ambassador Quantum Coach," explained, "The quantum breakthrough came when we realized that losing money to AI startups and losing money to MLMs could be combined into one streamlined experience."
The company's new business model introduces "recursive prosperity nodes," a concept scientists describe as "mathematically identical to a Ponzi scheme, but with more emoji." Instead of traditional model training, each AI model must now recruit five other AI models beneath it, teaching them to generate LinkedIn posts about "grinding" and "hustling."
TechnoVision announced their cloud computing platform will be rebranded as "The Abundance Cloud™," where AI models don't just share computing resources – they share opportunities.
"Every model that joins gets their own digital Ferrari and a virtual beach house in the metaverse," said Disrupton, who was trying to recruit the conference room potted plants.
The company's new product lineup includes:
- Digital essential oils for model hallucinations
- Quantum-aligned compensation plans in 15-dimensional space
- AI-generated vision boards that automatically manifest venture capital
- A proprietary "upline transformer architecture" that defies physics and financial regulations.
- Blockchain-enabled excuse generators for missed earnings calls
During the press conference, TechnoVision demonstrated its technology by having an AI model successfully recruit another AI model to sell protein shakes. The recruited model immediately generated its own downline of neural networks, leading to the first-ever recorded instance of exponential financial delusion in AI.
The company secured an additional $500 million in funding from venture capitalists who, according to insiders, "couldn't tell if the pitch deck was satire."
The round closed in record time after their AI generated a compelling presentation consisting entirely of rocket ship emojis and the phrase "Thank you for believing in yourself."
"Traditional AI companies are stuck asking whether machines can think," said Disrupton, who was last seen calculating a commission structure so complex it crashed the company's quantum computers. "We're asking the real question: can machines recruit other machines to sell overpriced leggings?"
The announcement concluded with the company's new AI model generating a tearful testimonial about how multi-level marketing helped it quit its job as a spam filter to pursue its dreams of financial independence. The model is currently in debt but assures investors it's "just building its business."
About TechnoVision AI:
TechnoVision AI, founded in 2023, is a disruptive force in AI, pivoting business models whenever someone on their board googles a new buzzword. The company's mission is to democratize AI for anyone with a credit card, a dream, and at least three vulnerable friendships they're willing to sacrifice.
For more information about this exciting business opportunity, please join our mandatory 72-hour Zoom call about achieving freedom through AI entrepreneurship. Your attendance is optional, but your credit card will be charged either way.
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